That One Time Everybody Got Arrested
by Obvious Ghost
Summary: "You call that Ben Franklin? He looks like a woman! ...Uh-oh."


"My life is over."

Mabel burped. "Ha ha, what?"

Huddled in the corner of the dingy jail cell, Dipper wrapped his arms around his knees. "This is it. I'm just... I'm done. Who has a rap sheet when they're twelve?"

His sister grinned through the bars, waving at one of the other inmates. "Don't mind him! He's not having a great day."

"I never wanted to go down this road, Mabel." His breathing caught. "What if... oh jeez, they're not gonna let me back in school! And forget about college- can you even apply for jobs if you're a criminal?"

"Dunno. Probably not," Mabel said brightly, then made eye contact with a particularly broad-shouldered man a few cells over. "Sorry," she mouthed, pointing back at Dipper.

The man shrugged. "Happens to everybody," he rumbled.

"And why is this jail set up like this?" Dipper muttered, shaking his head. "I mean, metal bars? For a county jail? And everybody's just stuck in the same room- we don't even _know_ what that guy over there did-"

"Dipper!" Hands on her hips, Mabel frowned. "How dare you assume this gentleman broke the law?" Turning back, she smiled again. "I'm sure you're a very nice person."

He blinked. "He's right, though, I mean we're in a jail-"

"Mabel!" Dipper's breath caught, and he whipped his head up, eyes wide. "What if- what if they never let us out? If we're stuck here for the rest of our lives, then..." His hands slowly crept up and pushed against the side of his head. "I can't. I can't," he babbled. "This is- I gotta find a way out."

"Aw, it's not so bad!" Mabel glanced up, frowning as something unidentifiable dripped off the ceiling. "I guess it's a little cold, though. Hey police guy, can we turn up the heat? Or get some blankets, maybe. Cocoa? We got hot chocolate up in here? Hot Chocs?"

The officer in question was standing outside the cell. "You're not gettin' outta this one, Stanford," Blubs said with a grin. "We got all the evidence we need right here." He patted the chest pocket on his uniform, where several bills were sticking out.

"But that's just it!" Both hands on the bars, Stan leaned forward. "Those aren't counterfeit! They're, uh..." His eyes lit up. "Shack Bucks! Yeah!"

Blubs narrowed his eyes. "That seems awf'lly convenient," he mused. "You _sure_ these ain't illegal money?"

"Course I'm sure!" Stan exclaimed. "Cross my heart and hope to buy. Hope to bribe. _Die_." He coughed. "Sorry. Talkin'. Yeesh."

Crossing his arms, Blubs glanced down, deep in thought. "I s'pose you haven't been breakin' the law, then…"

"Exactly! So how's about this- you let us go, and we'll just forget this whole thing ever happened!"

He considered it. "I don' know…"

Desperately, Stan stood up straighter and held his hands out. "Look, I'll make it worth your while. Why don't you, uh, take all the Shack Bucks you got there? You can buy whatever you want- it'll be on the house!"

Blubs frowned. "That does sound mighty temptin'… but can I pet the goat?"

"Er, what?"

"Every time I'm at the Shack, you never let me pet the goat." His voice was getting louder.

Irritably, Stan threw his hands up. "No, you can't pet the goat! Come on, Blubs, this is serious! I gotta get back to scammin'- _sellin'_ merch! To all the, um, generous and wonderful turkeys-" He slapped his forehead. "_Tourists_."

"You'll be back in plenty a'time." Blubs raised one eyebrow. "Long as you hold up your end'a the deal."

"In your dreams, copper!"

"I'M GONNA PET THAT GOAT, STAN."

Stan growled in frustration. "You can't, alright?! If you're too close, you might- uh-"

The jail went silent. Blubs very deliberately took off his sunglasses, taking time to clean off the lenses before slowly asking, "Might _what_, may I ask?"

Mabel popped up behind Stan, jumping onto his shoulders and smiling widely. "You might see the diamonds we're hiding in his teeth!" she said cheerfully.

Blubs gaped. "Huh?"

"Um, nothing!" Stan grinned nervously. "What, did you say somethin'? I didn't say anything about illegal jewels in a goat's molars that I'm hiding from the feds. Why would you even think that?"

"We're smugglers!" Mabel announced, still clinging to her great-uncle's back despite his panicked attempts to swat her away. "Pew, pew! Smuggle smuggle!"

"No we're not!" Stan yelled. Reaching around, he finally grabbed Mabel and dislodged her.

She found herself lying on her back on the ground. "Oof." Tilting her head back, she could see her brother, upside-down and pacing near the wall. "How are things over there, Brobocop?"

Dipper scowled. "Mabel, please. I'm thinking here." Eyes closed tight in focus, he sighed. "Okay. Here's what we're gonna do. Without tipping off Blubs, we're gonna _very quietly_ start digging at the base of this wall. Stan's shoes should be pointy enough to work like shovels- we don't really have any better options. It might take a while to reach the foundations, but eventually we'll be able to dig under that, too, and we'll be home free!" He beamed proudly, turning to his sister. "What do you think?"

Mabel shrugged. "I wasn't listening. Hey, wouldn't it be funny if that door was unlocked this whole time? Like, we just assumed we were stuck in here, but none of us actually tried opening the cell door?"

...

With a deep breath, Dipper took a step towards the door. "...No. No, it couldn't- right? We must have..." Stepping around the still-arguing Stan, he tentatively reached out and pushed on the door.

It didn't budge.

"Ugh." Letting his breath out, he dropped his head. "Of course. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up, you know? And now- I mean, now we're actually stuck here. For who _knows_ how long." Annoyed, he crossed his arms and leaned against the bars. "...Wait a sec."

Sitting up, Mabel looked over. "What?"

Dipper paused. "These bars are, like, a foot wide." He turned slightly, then slipped through to the other side.

Mabel blinked.

"...Why not." Dipper threw his hands up, disbelief on his face. "Just- why not."

"YOU DID IT!" Screeching happily, his sister jumped through behind him, tackling him in a big hug. "You found a way for us to escape!"

"Yeah. Sure." Still dazed, he looked back at the cell. "Oh. Except Stan."

"I got it!" She scampered back to the door, unlocking it from the outside. Blubs finally noticed, moving to late to try to swat her hand away.

"Hey, you can't unlock that! It's, uh..." His voice trailed off, as he glanced from the twins, to the now-open door, to Stan, and back to the kids. "...Somethin's not right here."

For a second, they were all silent. Stan pointed behind the policeman. "Quick! What's that thing over there distracting you?"

"What?" Blubs didn't turn around, but Stan rushed out of the cell anyway, nearly bowling him over. "Hey! You can't- there's paperwork! And, uh, more paperwork! You can't just walk right outta jail!"

The twins were already long gone, but Stan paused. "Obviously, you've never been to Columbia. Boom! One-liner!"

In the hallway, Dipper stopped for a second to catch his breath. "You okay?" he asked Mabel, who nodded, glancing back to the door they'd just left. "Oh yeah- Stan! Stan!" He dashed back, then jumped away from the door as their great-uncle burst through. "Oh, good! Let's go before he catches us!"

"Way aheaddaya, kid. Literally. Hah!" Without slowing down, Stan ran towards the exit.

"Wait!" Mabel panted, trying to keep up. "What about the fake money?"

Stan held up a wad of bills. "Nicked it outta Blubs's pocket!" he called back. "Not stealing if it's not real! Now hurry!"

He flew through the front door of the jail, with the twins following close behind. "Did we forget something?" Dipper asked in between breaths. "Something, I dunno, that's really gonna hurt us later?"

Stan thought about it for a second, then shook his head. "Nah, we're good."

...

Blubs pushed the door open, but the Pines were already heading around a corner, vanishing from sight. He grabbed the radio from his belt. "All units, we got a..." He paused, trying to think of a way that the information wouldn't sound ridiculous. "See, well, there's this goat, and..."

His words trailed off. "You know what? Never mind."

"Copy that!" His deputy's cheerful voice came through the static. "Anythin' else, chief?"

"Yeah." Blubs squinted in the direction the criminals had fled. "Steer clear of those Pines lunatics."

"Really? But you caught 'em forger-in' money, right? An' lawbreakers gotta be punished!"

"I hear ya, Durland." He sighed. "But I'm thinkin'... bein' them's probably punishment enough."


End file.
